Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they be discouraged.

Ephesians 6:4 And fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

A child growing up in a home where the parents don't submit or respect each other, is not going to learn to submit or respect others. If there is a lot of fighting in the home, the child will learn to fight to get his way. A parent can scare or bully a child into obedience, but it won't be a true obedience. It is only obedience while the parent is watching or while their under the control of the parent. Once they are out of the reach of the parents they will revert back to disobedient behavior.

It's good to look at both texts as they both talk about not provoking children, but then each text continues on in different ways. Both texts show how to teach children to be obedient and how to keep from destroying the attitude and will to obey.

Let's first look at Colossians. The Greek word used for provoke is erethizo, which means to stir up, excite, stimulate (especially to anger). The word for discouraged is athumeo which means to be disheartened, dispirited, broken in spirit. So what text in Colossians means is that parents are not to stir up or anger their children because they may actually cause their children to become disheartened or broken in spirit. Angering a child can cause him to give up trying. The child will eventually decide it isn't worth trying to please the parents because they can't seem to ever accomplish that goal. There's a feeling of defeat or failure when the parents are negative towards their children instead of being supportive and showing pride in them.

In Ephesians let's look at the words provoke, bring, and nurture. The Greek word for provoke used here is parorgizo which means to rouse to wrath, to exasperate. The word for “bring” is ektrepho and it means to nourish up to maturity. The word for nurture is paideia and it's meaning is “ the whole training and education of children (which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals, and employs for this purpose now commands and admonitions, now reproof and punishment) It also includes the training and care of the body”

So to put that together, the text in Ephesians is saying parents are not to anger or exasperate their children. The parents' job is to nourish their children up to maturity. They are to train and educate their children by instruction and commands, and to use disciplinary actions when necessary. It's the parents' job to instill morals and values in their children, and to teach them how to properly care for their bodies. It is also the parents who are to show, by their actions, the love God has for His children.

Children need to see that God is not Someone to be afraid of, but Someone to love and to willingly devote their lives to. A child who learns to love the Lord and has the desire to live for Him is a child who will not have a problem obeying those in authority. It's a huge job parents have, but the key ingredient is submission to God. Giving up everything to God and letting Him take over. “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:13.